Bigger
by mybrowneyes
Summary: Lunch is always an adventure at the Plum's house. A response to Deb's Bigger challenge on Perfectly Plum.
1. Chapter 1

_**Week 47 Challenge**_

"_**Bigger"**_

"Ranger, you're sure you want to come with me to my parent's house for lunch?"

"Babe."

"My Mom's making ham and cheese hoagies. It's the real stuff with actual fat content. No mulch."

"I know. I'm still coming."

"Grandma may be there."

That Cuban eyebrow was up, "I'll keep you between me and her."

Walking up the front steps, Ranger's warm hand was protectively on my back. Mom and Grandma were watching from the front door in their usual poses with noses pressed against the glass.

"Come in. Lunch is almost ready. Hello, Ranger," my mom greeted and kissed me.

"Thank you for inviting me with Stephanie, Mrs. Plum."

"You're welcome. Call me Ellen."

Grandma was giddy, "The package is here. Hot damn! Wait until I tell the girls. I got something to show you, Baby Granddaughter, later."

"OK," I hugged her and unsure if I wanted to see it or know.

The warm, toasty hoagies were brought out on plates. Beside each, there was a green, fat deli pickle. This can't be good, I thought.

The lettuce, onions, and tomato slices went around the table along with the mustard and mayo. Ranger, of course, used mustard. I wanted the fattening stuff.

Grandma disappeared in the kitchen, coming back out with a huge pickle on a fork.

"Here," Grandma stood it up on Ranger's plate, "That one's puny. I think you're going to need a bigger pickle."

Ranger didn't say a word. Dad kept chewing and my mother downed in one gulp whatever was in her teacup.

"He's bigger than that, right? He's 'The Package'," Grandma nudged me next to Ranger.

I knew I had to be blushing.

I could swear Grandma did a jig step and tapped her heels together before sitting back down, "I knew it!"

"Your sandwich is getting cold, Grandma," I was trying to change the subject.

We almost got through lunch when Grandma bent down under the table and was fiddling with something. There was a hum. She plopped something down on the tabletop with a suction cup holding it in place. "Bigger than this?"

I think Ranger snorted his water.

There on my parent's dining room table was a very realistic dildo with balls. The tip was wiggling around as it vibrated. I swear it was the biggest non-human thing I had ever seen. Ranger still won the contest, though.

"Pleasure Treasures was having a sale."

Daddy waved at Mom to pass the bottle, "Dammit, Woman! Put that away!"

Grandma tugged at it a few times to get it loose and resuctioned it in the middle of the table. "Why? It makes a nice centerpiece. Add some flowers to it for Sunday dinner."

Ranger looked at me with a smirk, picked up my plate with his, and went to the kitchen.

"Babe, ready to go?"

I grabbed my dessert package from my mom and Daddy walked us to the door.

"Frank!" my Mom called, "It's stuck! I can't get it off the table! Mother, turn that off! I can't get it loose when it's wiggling like that!"

My father's hazel eyes pleading and bewildered, "Want to meet me for Sunday dinner far, far away."

"Sure, Frank," Ranger patted his back before going down the steps.

Finally when we were in the Porsche, Ranger burst out laughing. "Babe, your family never disappoints."

"Remember, you came willingly."

He looked at me after his laughter died down, "I am bigger, right?"

"Oh yeah, Cuban Sex God."

"Good to know, Babe," kissing me before pulling out.


	2. Chapter 2

"_**Bigger"**_

_**Part 2**_

Big Dog was counting his winnings from the Trenton PD betting pool as Eddie Gazzara walked up to him.

"How much did you win and on what?" Eddie asked.

Waving the stack of money, "Twenty-five hundred big ones. Cluck-in-a-Bucket, funeral home, a dildo, Stephanie's Grandma, nipples, and Morelli's concussion."

"Huh? A dildo?"

"Let me explain," Big Dog started to relate the details. "Stephanie caught her skip at the funeral home on Hamilton. It was Edgar J. Hooperman, the 70 year old guy who robbed Cluck-in-a-Bucket with a stick of dynamite. He likes the snicker doodles they serve at the Tuesday night viewings. Stephanie was trying to apprehend him, but he didn't want to go. Out of nowhere, Grandma Mazur pulls an extra-long dildo out of her purse and whacks him with it knocking him out."

"I wish I'd been there, but what about Morelli?"

"That's the best part," Big dog was smirking, "Morelli was there, too. He started arguing with Stephanie about their break-up. Grandma shows Morelli the big-ass thing and tells him it was modeled after Ranger. He blows his top and called Stephanie a nympho. Grandma smacks him with it. Joe hits the casket; it rocks and knocks over vases of flowers which flood the casket. Pru Ziggleberg's blouse she's to be buried in is now soaked. The viewers got a peek at her old lady nipples because of the see-through shirt. It ended up; the dildo gave Morelli a concussion. It's broke and Joe is refusing to replace it. Grandma wants to file property damages and emotional distress charges with Judge Judy since Joe's head damaged it and she can't use it. I saw it and it scared me. I swear it's the biggest dildo I've ever seen."

Eddie was bracing himself with a hand on a wall, "It's just another normal night in Trenton."


End file.
